Monday, July 21, 2014

With 1 day left for Glasgow Commonwealth games, Delhi CWG 2010 stadiums still under construction

With just 1 day to go for the Glasgow Commonwealth games 2014, the world media is disappointed. There is no Dengue threat, stadiums were ready four years back, none of the bridges is ready to fall, and everything seems to be in place. There is no news to cover related to the Glasgow CWG games.

"This is boring. Four years back, we had so much to cover. I fell in love with Delhi. I remember how our cameraman fell ill right after landing in Delhi. It was a welcome bite by a Dengue mosquito.", said a bored journalist who has been looking for news for the last 1 month in Glasgow.

Meanwhile, the Delhi government is nervous. They have been trying hard to meet the 2014 Commonwealth games deadline for the 2010 games that were held in Delhi. "After the 2010 CWG games in Delhi, we decided to revise the deadline and make sure all stadiums are completed before the Glasgow games. We are almost there!", said an enthusiastic Delhi Government official. "For the ones that are not completed, we will put curtains and hide everything like we did during the Delhi CWG games. Nobody will be interested in Glasgow because we are the ones who are finally ready for the games", added the official.

Toota Singh, a worker in the NDMC, is excited. "I had no work for the last 4 years. During the 2010 games, i was assigned the duty to kill dengue mosquitoes by hand in all the stadiums. I nailed it." He now holds the world record and also the commonwealth games record for killing the highest number of Dengue mosquitoes by hand.

Our faking news journalist decided to visit all the stadiums and was astonished to see the progress Delhi had made in the last four years. "All stadiums look perfect for the games. Four years back, there were no restrooms in stadiums, at least they now have boards pointing to the restrooms which will be constructed in future. In fact, during the last games there was a waterfall in one of the stadiums. Everyone thought it was a beautiful architectural design. Now, the waterfall does not exist, they say it was a leakage!". On investigating more, our journalist found Mr. Toota Singh sitting on a huge hole through which water was leaking.

Another journalist, on whom a wall had fallen during the Delhi games, has decided not to cover the Glasgow games and go to Delhi instead. "The love that Delhi has given me is unforgettable. When the wall fell on me inside the stadium, I lay unconscious for 13 days. When i woke up, the games were over and someone had stolen everything, including my shoes and socks. Everyone thought i was dead. But that was the best sleep of my life, that too in the main stadium.", recalls the journalist.

Apart from these developments, the ticket booking system which showed all empty stadiums as full has also been fixed. People can now successfully book tickets for the 2010 Delhi games. A tourist, who had come only to see the Taj Mahal and the CWG games but had been unsuccessful to do both during the last 4 years, is relieved. "I have been trying to book a train ticket through IRCTC to go to Agra for the last four years. At least I can now book the stadium ticket!", said the over-joyed British Tourist.

With so much of enthusiasm in Delhi for the Glasgow Commonwealth games, it will be interesting to see how Delhi steals the limelight during the next 15 days.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Speeding biker launches into space after hitting unexpected speed breaker in Bangalore

It was a normal Sunday night until a very surprising and bizarre incident happened on the Outer Ring road in Bangalore. A biker, delighted and thrilled on seeing an empty road in Bangalore for the first time in several years, decided to test the speed limits of his bike while coming down a flyover. Despite travelling frequently but never managing to cross 20kms per hour on that route, the biker did not realize that there was a speed breaker right at the end of the flyover. The biker hit the hump at neck-breaking speed, only to be launched into space due to the steep upward slope. "We used to travel daily on this road, but thought that it was just another pothole." said the biker's girlfriend who was sitting behind him when the incident took place.

An eye-witness, who was peeing on the wall of the flyover said, "I was electrified! First I thought that I had relieved myself on a live electric wire hanging from the pole next to me, but then I realized it was the excitement of seeing the man fly! Sadly the girl sitting behind the biker was not holding the biker tightly and so slipped and fell on the ground right before the take-off". The public was exhilarated when they suddenly saw the biker defying gravity and flying in the air. "I was stunned!", said an auto wallah who was fighting and demanding Rs. 30 extra from his customer at the time of the incident. Some people thought that it was a shooting star and started wishing. "I prayed for a new iphone!", said a disappointed 3-year old kid when asked about his wish. Another frequent traveler in the city's local BMTC buses told how he often jumped 3-4 feet in the air while sitting on the rear seat of the bus every time the bus hit this speed breaker. "It used to be so much fun, I always knew this speed breaker had the potential." said the emotional BMTC traveler.

The family of the biker has demanded clarity on his whereabouts from the government which has been busy trying to trace the progress of the biker. "We are trying to determine the speed of the launch. We suspect that the biker may not have been at a sufficient speed to reach Mars and may just become a satellite around Earth", said the Government of India in its official statement released after trying to trace the biker using binoculars.

The BBMP which is responsible for construction of roads in Bangalore has taken the entire credit for this astonishing incident. "The day ISRO launched the cheapest Mars orbiter into space, we were confident that we can find a cheaper way to send people to space. The roads in Bangalore were designed with craters and speed breakers to help us achieve this dream and today we would like to invite ISRO to learn something from us.", said the BBMP chief engineer. On being asked why speed breakers had been constructed on roads despite traffic never reaching the speed to be 'broken', the BBMP official got offended and decided to ignore the question.

Meanwhile, NASA has decided to send its topmost scientists to Bangalore to study the road structure and find out how the BBMP has been able to provide such realistic craters and launch pads known as 'speed-breakers'.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Bangalore becomes one way city, converts all roads to 1 lane; techie spends 2 weeks to find way to office

Fed up of the very few wide roads, Bangalore recently converted all roads into 1 lane roads. The reason for this move was a result of a detailed research which showed that people using wide roads were less prone to traffic jams and were only 2 hours late to office on an average. Following the Bangalore development model, this crucial decision was not expected to impact many as Bangalore hardly had any roads which could be narrowed, but a techie who left his home for office sometime in May managed to find the correct way to office only in mid-June.

This decision is also being seen as Bangalore's desperate attempt to restore its legacy, which includes having extremely narrow one way roads. This is an important reflection of Bangalore's identity, as no route should be direct enough to be memorized at once. A victim of this change, the techie who had somehow managed to memorize bus routes and roads, was lost as all sign posts now pointed in different directions. In fact, the techie had to 'work from road' for almost 2 weeks, often charging his laptop through traffic lights and using wifi offered by restaurants. When asked about why he did not take an auto directly to his office, the techie answered, "I tried taking an auto 13 times, every auto driver promised to drop me till my office charging 3 times the meter fare, but after 15 minutes they would drop me again at the same traffic signal telling me that my office is just 2 minutes from here".

Infact, the techie even managed to see his office building from some distance while travelling in a BMTC bus, but since the conductor had not given him his Rs. 3 change and had written behind his ticket instead, he had to wait till the next bus stop to get down. There just wasn't any way to go back.

Things became worse when after nearly a week he realized that the way to go back home was even more complicated and would need him to travel in 4 BMTC buses, walk for 3 kilometers and then take an auto. He almost managed to reach back home, but this time the auto driver dropped him at his office instead of his home. The frustrated techie had already spent enough time coding on the streets and just did not want to acknowledge what the auto driver had managed. He took another auto and disappeared into the narrow lanes of Bangalore.

The BDA is also considering creating a new rule, according to which constructing one lane roads would become mandatory and anyone flouting this rule would be forced to become a traffic cop on a busy intersection for a year, or handed life imprisonment. "We want to make Bangalore a city with world class roads. Roads should be so narrow that even a cycle can not overtake another cycle", said a BDA spokesperson. In an earlier attempt to make the city even more pedestrian friendly, footpaths were officially declared two-vehicle lanes.

With the increasing focus on road safety, it will be interesting to see how the BDA, Bangalore Traffic Police and BBMP come up with new strategies to make the life of citizens more miserable, err, peaceful.

Indians rejoice over new Bullet train tracks as Modi government fulfills promise of new toilets

It was a time to celebrate for millions of people living next to railway tracks as the Railway Minister announced the launch of bullet trains in India, one of the most awaited plans during this years railway budget. Modi government's pre-poll promise of constructing new toilets for people was expected during this years general budget, but the announcement of the new railway tracks has left the Aam Aadmi surprised and elated.

Shyam, a person who has to walk nearly 5 kms everyday to address the nature's call every morning, was extremely excited on hearing this news and welcomed this new move by the government to bring toilets closer to home. "I would like to thank Mr. Modi and the railway minister from the bottom of my heart for finally listening to the Aam aadmi and constructing railway tracks near our homes.", said Shyam who broke down into tears while talking to Faking News. But some people are disappointed with this move as their long standing demands have still not been addressed by the new government. "We have been demanding the government to install taps and provide free liquid soap next to railway lines so that we don't have to carry bottles everyday, but the government has completely ignored our demands even in this budget." said Shyam's brother.

The railway minister dedicated the Delhi-Ahemedabad train corridor to the people and said that Ache Din start only when people have start their day on the right track and this one is in fact a world class way to start the day.

Some people are quite skeptical over the announcement of the bullet train tracks as these trains are expected to run at very high speeds. These people are concerned that they may never get a chance to s(h)it peacefully on the tracks as these trains will not be visible from long distances and may actually run over them. Munna, who has five toilets at home but is still a frequent user of the railway tracks, said that these tracks were actually not recommended for people as earlier the trains would come near them and stop until they finish their "work", but now the trains would actually run over them. "That would be an embarrassing position to die in", Munna said. On being asked why he prefers railway tracks over the toilets in his home, he answered that is was the love with which people peek out of the train windows when he is s(h)itting on the tracks that helps him stay fresh and light all day long.

Meanwhile, Mr. Arvind Kejriwal called the budget a 'farce' and promised to provide free water and soap to people living close to the railway tracks in case his government is voted to power in the next elections.